Saturday, February 04, 2006
Instincts > Intellect?

I have been thinking a lot recently about the immigrants who first came to America. They didn't really just come here and adapt to our country because it was here and they wanted to conform so that they could take advantage of what could be given to them. They came to America because they wanted be the way we were. They didn't want our welfare, etc - they wanted our tolerance, our diversity, our opportunity to be whatever and whoever they wanted.

There's no place like that now. No place to go and just be yourself, to do whatever it is that you do, to live how you want to live, to love how you want to love, to work how you want to work, to die how you want to die. Everything is structured and formalized and bureaucratized.

And suddenly I understand the Confederates for the first time. Not the ones who just wanted their slaves, who just didn't want to change - I'm beginning to understand the ones who didn't want to give over their rights to a big Union, who didn't necessarily agree with slavery but who wouldn't stop just because the government said so.

And once again I lament over the Civil War tragedy, and wonder, "why couldn't we have just waited, talked, and compromised?" I despair over the human race in general and our inability to simply live with one another.

Maybe instincts > intellect, after all.

Posted at 2/4/2006 3:48:55 pm by Emily
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Monday, January 30, 2006
Giftedness (another psy DB topic)

My own thoughts about "giftedness" have been rather sketchy. Based on my experience with friends who tested as "gifted" (i was home schooled except for 6th grade and one quarter of 9th grade, and so was never classified as "gifted" or not), I figured it had something to do with being relatively smart (smarter than the average child) and willing to work hard. I figured I was just as smart as these gifted friends, but maybe not willing to do so much homework, lol, so I wouldn't want to be tested as "gifted."

After reading about the characteristics of giftedness, I see that being "gifted" is about more than relative smartness and hard work, although those are two factors. I also see that I definitely would have been considered "gifted," as my mom(/teacher, lol) was always commenting on these characteristics in me (except for the "high degree of energy" - but I strongly suspect that I've been anemic since puberty, which would explain the lethargy). And I remember my friends having the same traits - which is probably why we were friends, lol. I'm still thankful that I was not in the gifted classes that they were in, though, because they did have a ridiculous amount of homework!!

Eric also had a lot of the characteristics of giftedness, and he did go to public school - but I'm not even sure they did testing when he was in elementary school! He's 9 years older than me.

I think that homework is a load of crap (lol), and doing or not doing it really doesn't indicate anything more than how obedient you are. My husband questioned the authority of his teacher, thought that homework was stupid, and often didn't do it. I would've been the same way, I'm sure. Neither of us had any problems with learning, however, and still love to learn as adults. We just don't have a good time doing things we consider unnecessary or stupid simply because someone in authority says we should.

Posted at 1/30/2006 11:19:38 am by Emily
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Thursday, January 26, 2006
Negative punishment (psychology class discusion board topic)

"Negative punishment" somewhat backfired with me as a child. Points were taken away from my "team" for "backtalk" (questioning the rules) - unfortunately for my team and the adults trying to get me to blindly obey, I simply ceased to care about the game, declared them unfit teachers and stalked off to sit by myself (anticipating that this is what they would eventually try to "punish" me with, anyway. Usually they gave the team (now minus one girl) back the points, lol, and I became quite comfortable in my own company. This pattern continued throughout my childhood - if an athority figure threatened me with something, I would "stop caring" about it, give it up and retreat into myself - once I had said what I intended to say, anyway. I know they saw me as a "difficult" child, but really all they needed to do was listen and explain. They were unfit teachers, in my opinion. Now that grades are more important to me, I have learned to tame my tongue for the most part, but I still have the same opinion about teachers who are unwilling to listen and explain.

Posted at 1/26/2006 5:13:56 pm by Emily
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Friday, November 25, 2005
A work in progress

They say that Jesus loves you
   and that He has "plans for your life"
They say in the womb He formed you
   that He has purpose in all of this strife
He doesn't want much from you
   just your body your soul and your mind

It's not much to give
It's all already His

They say it all works out in the end
For those who love and serve only Him

And when the cancer and the pain is through
When your intellect has completely left you
After you give up the ghost
He'll preserve your soul
You'll be forever worshipping Him

When all the tears are dried from your eyes
And the flesh is rotting off of your bones
When moths and rust and thieves with you are done
You won't be alone ...

It sounds so nice.
So comforting.
A father
A  friend
A home at the end

They tell you to ask all your questions.
They tell you that doubt can be good
As long as you accept all their anwers
And post doubt are persueded again

And what they don't say speaks the loudest
If you listen with all of your mind
What you can never know can't be questioned
Which is how they justify being blind

Posted at 11/25/2005 1:53:14 pm by Emily
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Monday, October 10, 2005
little sister, mary jane

I've been listening to "my" music lately. These songs always stand out to me. Girls. What is the matter with all of us? Guys can usually trace their problems to one of two sources: a deserting dad or a hearbreaking girl. What's with us girls? Why do we seem destined to be either overly troubled or completely frivolous? Why is it none of us can stand each other? Even girls who seem to get along and hang out together seem to end up hating each other. They say it's "over a guy," but from what I've seen it's really over our own shit; either pettiness or betrayal.

Just pondering. I think a lot of it has to do with dumb "drama," and the fact that girls tend to get too in to it. I don't know. But it makes me sad. And want to cuddle with eric and relax. We don't fight, and I'm so glad for that. I feel so at peace around him. We have fun, we laugh, we do most everything together, enjoy almost all the same things, and we rarely argue and when we do it's usually for fun (playful arguing - non-heated debates, lol).

I still recognize the fact that the female body is more appealing sexually, but more and more that aspect of people seems more functional than anything. Maybe it has something to do with observing all the changes of pregnancy, lol, but the human body seems less of a sex object to me now. 

I like the way it feels to run my fingers through his hair, to scratch my nails down his back. I like how it feels when he touches me, when he holds me. I feel secure and protected and loved. I love how well we get along. I love that we can spend leisure time together and with friends and both enjoy ourselves. I love that we agree on plans and goals for the future and have the same philosophy of how we want to raise Renan.

None of that would be better if he were a girl. And that's really all that matters. I still get turned on imagining caressing a girl. I still get turned on when I see a girl who is especially attractive to me. And perhaps it would be fun to date girls again, but I don't think it'd be worth the time it would take away from my time with eric. And that is the deciding factor.

Posted at 10/10/2005 1:16:51 pm by Emily
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Thursday, September 29, 2005
Right on Time!

Renan arrived on his due date, 9-25-05, Sunday, 2:55am. He weighed 8lbs 5oz, and looks just like his daddy in his baby pictures :) Everything went great :) We're home now, sleeping and eating and using the bathroom and not much else!
Pics of him are now up on myspace :)

Posted at 9/29/2005 12:30:32 pm by Emily
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Saturday, July 02, 2005
Took a tour of the maternity ward :)

NOW I can picture having a newborn, tehehe. There was a newborn little boy there when we took the tour. So small!!!!
It's so crazy. There is a little baby inside my body right now, just like that one I saw, and in three short months he's going to make his way out, breathing and seeing when right now there's no air and nothing to see.
I loved the hospital's set-up. The birthing room is so pretty and cozy, and they even have a TV w/ a VCR so you can watch movies while you're in labor for hours, lol. They have 2 ORs right there in case you need a ceserian (sp?). After you have the baby, if all goes well, they do the apgar, etc right there and then give him to you to feed and hold. They have a little nursery where they can take the baby if you need to sleep or shower and there's no one else in the room, but otherwise they let you keep him with you for the 48hrs they keep you there after a normal birth. (the nursery was where the little boy was when we first got there - he was getting circumcized. by the time we left he was being taken back to his mommy in her room. He didn't look too traumatized, lol. wasn't even crying by the time they reached her door. just squirming and looking cute and red-faced like babies should.) There's a lil' couch and a chair and a rocker in the room for family. The bathroom is roomier and prettier than ours, lol. Blue marbly ceramicness and stuff. Huge shower - wish I had one that big now, tehehe. One of the walls in the room we saw looked out onto a little tiny courtyard type area, where you can walk around while you're in labor or whatever. The majority of the rooms were arranged in a horseshoe around that area, so I guess they have the same pretty view.
Now I just can't wait to have my baby, lol. I couldn't wait before just to have him out, lol, but now I'm really looking forward to the experience of having him. I know labor is no picnic, but Eric will be there and then when it's over I'll have my little Renan in my arms, feeding him and holding him and being able to look at him and he at me. I can't wait :)

Posted at 7/2/2005 4:33:03 pm by Emily
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Friday, June 24, 2005
Well, I think I've just about hit my 3rd trimester

And I'm growing like crazy. My maternity clothes are getting too small -- a lot of them I can't even wear anymore. The pants that were falling off of me now fit, and I had to go buy new shorts because they were all too tight. Maternity shirts are getting shorter and shorter, threatening to show my belly before September 25th gets here.

It's hard to believe - just 3 more months. I've recently realized that it's hard to picture having an infant. I guess it's just 'cause there's not much to do with them, lol. I mean like playing and stuff. I can picture the q 2hr feedings, the diaper changing, toting him around in a little sling, cradling him in my arms. But that's about it, I guess, in infancy. Most of my imaginings are of him once he learns to crawl - I have this one fantasy of Eric bringing him to the bed to get me up in the morning, watching him crawl over the covers and pillows to come to me. :) And I often daydream about trips to parks and zoos and such. I even delve into imaginings of conversations about friends and girls and such.

I can't wait to be done with all this sickness, though. The need to eat all the time, the indigestion when I do or don't, low potassium, low iron, naseau, headaches ... it's getting old. I want my body back - but not for vanity, lol. I want the aches and pains to be gone. I don't mind the weight gain - I haven't gained too much, and I plan on being very healthy once I'm not so worried about Renan in re. to excercise, and once I can eat normally again. I'm going to excercise as much as I can after he's born. That's one thing I'd reccomend to any one who wants to get pregnant. Work out first! Do crunches and walk, and keep it up once you get pregnant. Don't get outta shape, 'cause the way you get winded walking a mile b4 pregnancy is how you will feel walking from your parking spot to the door of a store once you've gained 15 pounds of babyness. And the backaches ... gotta have the crunches. They're what helped backaches for me b4 pregnancy, but I didn't do them regularly so I quit completely once I got pregnant. I def. wish I'd kept them up - I could use some more back strength, lol.

Welp, I'd better go start dinner. Eric's new 9-5:30 schedule has me being all housewifey with the cooking of the dinner and such, lol. I don't mind so much. I have to eat, too, lol.

I am getting kinda ... I dunno. Bored isn't exactly the right word. Lonely, maybe? I'm home all day by myself. Just me and the cats - I'm getting kind of obsessed with them actually. Trying to interperate every little thing they do.
It's not so bad when I feel OK. Like today, I watched 1 episode of NYPD Blue, walked on the elliptical thingie for a few minutes, worked on a wolf blanket I'm making, washed and folded some clothes, practiced my violin and took a shower already. And I got up at 12:30, so that's pretty good I think. But when I feel bad and I can't get up and do stuff, it's no fun at all. And even on days like today, I miss the human contact. Not that I'd be thrilled to go out and be surrounded by people, either, though, lol.
I dunno. It'll be better once Renan's here to occupy me, and I'm not sick so much, and I start getting back into school and such.

Okay. Dinner. Yes. lol.

Posted at 6/24/2005 5:30:08 pm by Emily
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Thursday, May 19, 2005
I can feel him move!

I've been feeling Renan move inside me for several days now, and it has been awesome. Today I felt him while I was lying on the couch and had just put my feet up, and I instinctually put my hand on my belly. For the first time, I felt him with my hand!!! It's totally awesome, 'cause this means that Eric will be able to feel him now, too. I know he's jelous when I say I can feel Renan move and he has no way of doing so. He's told me more than once that he wishes guys had some more active way to participate in childbearing, something cool that happened to or changed in them that was similar to all the changes we females go through.
Welp, I'm gonna get back to cleaning out the baby's room. I wanna set things up in there: get a crib, start putting things on the wall and setting up the few toys and other stuff that we have gotten already :) I want that room to be my little baby sanctuary, one little area that I keep decently organized and neat and inviting. I can do that. I can't keep the entire house clean without driving myself insane, but I can do that.
Maybe I'm just nesting, tehehe.
Once Renan is old enough to clean it himself, if he's anything like me, I'm sure it will lose any simblance of neatness, lol. Which I will be quite allright with. :)
He just kicked again! I'm sitting with my legs crossed (bad Heather) and i felt it on my thigh! :)
Okay, back to work. He's gonna be here in 4 months! Gotta get ready :)

Posted at 5/19/2005 7:42:05 pm by Emily
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Wednesday, April 27, 2005
My lil' boy wants to say "hi" :D

He's waving ;) lol.

Posted at 4/27/2005 9:15:38 pm by Emily
Comments: 1  

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Name Heather

Age 20

Location stinkin florida :-p
"I'd rather be shoveling snow!"

Sign Scorpio

Sexuality bisexual

Status Eric

Interests Spanish Language, nursing, violin playing, music (singer-songwriters esp.), gaming (tabletop rpgs), indie-flavored flicks (esp. focus films), anything having to do with Angelina Jolie, humanitarian/relief work, astronomy, geology, history ... and various other dorky things, lol.

Yahoo sn angelgirlhp

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Last Updated:3-04-06

Feeling avoidance

Wearing pj's

Wanting school to be over

Needing to finish my chemestry test

Loathing schoolwork

Loving Eric :) and all that that encompasses. :)

Hearing the buzzing that a TV makes when it's on but not doing anything ...

Quote "Believing there is no God means the suffering I've seen in my family, and indeed all the suffering in the world, isn't caused by an omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent force that isn't bothered to help or is just testing us, but rather something we all may be able to help others with in the future. No God means the possibility of less suffering in the future." - Penn Jillette

Song " Not Myself " - John Mayer


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